7/1/2017 3 Comments Thoughts from this weekI know it’s been two weeks. The first week I procrastinated, the second week… I’ve been learning things. Some I learn quicker than others. But besides God, Experience is always the best teacher. I was angry. I was hurt. I wrestled unimaginably hard with myself. Because I knew what I should do. Even if the thought didn’t fully form in my mind. And my flesh raged back at the injustice it felt, lashing back at the pain. It wouldn’t hurt until you touched it. Like a bruise. But then it was uncovered, poked and prodded, and I screamed inside. I held on. So tightly that I couldn’t handle the pressure I was putting on myself. I thought I had two options, and I knew both of them were wrong. I really had four. So as I wrote in my journal, as I bled out the words that I hope no one will ever read, I grew tired of the angry repetition of my words.
I talked out loud to God. I admitted that I knew. I asked for His help. And then I cried. My eyes had been raw from tears all night, but these tears were soft, gentle, soothing the pain. I had let go. I had let God. I had laid down my pride. I didn’t feel so alone anymore. “I forgive him.” Over and over, these words, to calm my mind. Jesus. I forgive him. Jesus. Jesus. I forgive him. I had the hardest time deciding who was to blame. Because it was both of us. And yet Jesus was sinless and forgave those who hated and killed Him. Surely I can forgive him. Surely. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. It wasn’t moving the Appalachian Mountains. It was moving the mountain of pride inside of me. It was looking at the whole thing from a new perspective. It was forgiving him. This thing that happened was not huge. But that’s how it felt to me. I’ve been blessed by people who care for me, and love me, and pray for me. I was amazed that it was as important to them as it was to me. But that’s love. And Jesus was there for me. I heard somewhere that God always wants to be in the middle of whatever we’re going through. Emmanuel. God with us. And He is changing me. You know, change was the prayer of my heart for so long. I might not have asked for it if I knew what it entailed. Being held to the fire. Being burned. Being broken. All so Jesus can heal me and shape me. I didn’t like it while I was in the midst of it. I’ll do everything I can to keep it from happening again. But letting go. Letting God. The pain is here for some good reason. I suppose that’s what I learned.
3 Comments
Altobits46
7/1/2017 10:55:46 am
:( I feel ya. I've had so many times where I messed up and couldn't salvage what was left. But I did learn from those lessons even if it was hard on myself.
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Chadina Calico
7/1/2017 11:19:55 am
Wow... I missed a lot this week
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Lily Calicois an aspiring composer, writer, artist and musician. Archives
March 2018
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